NOTHING

A few days ago, my daughter and I were getting ready to go on a long awaited play-date with 2 of our favorite people.  I have seen my daughter try to create drama or sabotage prior to an exciting event before.  I always wonder if it’s her fear that does this or a deflective tendency to take focus and thus energy off of the targeted area.

This time, she chose to subtly attack me with some words that really struck a very old chord with me on a deep soul level.  It had taken me a few days to assimilate what happened that moment and I think I have uncovered the iceberg beneath.

In a frantic moment when we were rushing to get to the car to go to the jumpy house place [she is 6yrs old], she said to me:

“You are nothing.”

Yes.  It was completely out of left field and instantly I reacted with a “What!?”, and a “What are you saying?” and a “Why did you say that?!”  It completely boggled me and sent me into a spin of regressing to my teenage years where I was rooted in low self-esteem and insecurity. 

I could not, at that moment, fathom where this came from.  I must say here that my daughter is very astute for a 6yo and she is also a crystal child which makes her sensitive and psychic.  She can read my thoughts and I have to watch what I think around her.

I wracked my brain to what could have triggered this ~ was I too pushy when I asked her to put on her socks?  NO. Did I do something to make her say this to me? NO.

I wanted to take responsibility for this.  I wanted to see what could have provoked it.  I asked her and she said she didn’t know.  She said she just said it and didn’t know why.

Then we had the angel/devil conversation where we discussed [I discussed, she listened] about how we all have an angel and a devil on our shoulder and that we need to listen to the angel and not the devil.  I asked her if the devil told her to say that to me.  She said she didn’t know.  Duality preaching wasn’t going to work with this crystal kid!

The next rabbit I pulled out of my hat was righteous indignation which to a 6 year old sounds like “blah blah blah blah blah!”

Then I saw myself and shut up.  I sensed it was not about her or what she said but rather what this statement brought up IN ME.

All my life I have lived to prove I am someone; somebody ~ seeking approval was a main goal of mine until very recently.  Maybe this was the capstone on the journey ~ the last test to see if I had accomplished my goal.

I must interject here and say that a few years ago I had a very amazing experience at the close of a yoga class while we were in shivasana; which is the relaxation pose to end the class.  I felt as though I was nothing.  It was not a bad feeling, in fact it was blissful.  I felt like I was in the room, but not of the room or anything around me.  I felt like I had disappeared but I was ‘there’, like I had transcended and made it to somewhere special.   I felt like I was nothing and it felt wonderful!

In saying this, I have come to the decision today that she was actually giving me a gift.  She was reminding me that I was and am nothing and that in the same way I am actually everything.  When I got mad at her after she said it, this is what I said in reply.  I said “I am not nothing! I am EVERYTHING!” then I went on to say all the things I do, yadda yadda, make the play-dates,  clean the house, help with homework etc etc. 

What I was missing was this truth.  I am nothing and I am everything.  I AM.  I know this and I am working to integrate this into my life now.

It didn’t matter what she said ~ it was my reaction and my realization from her words, her energy that made me either see it as an insult or a reflection.  I was spinning and I was running on empty.  I was nothing at the time she said it.  I had no love in me around what I was doing so I was nothing.  I was rushing.  I was not mindful of my actions, my words or my deeds.  I was running on automatic.  I was not present but I was ever present.  I had projected myself to the jumpy house place and I was worrying about being late.  I had lost my self and she noticed and reflected it to me.

 

Today I am learning that it is not important to get somewhere if you’re not there to begin with.

It was very interesting to me that my perception changed the whole experience.  Her words were not charged, in fact they were very bland.  She is pure and was coming from purity.

It was beautiful. 

Now, if only I can see this when it happens next time.  I think I will.

I did ask her if she was afraid about the play-date and she said “Yes.” I asked why and she said that she was afraid that her friend wouldn’t want to play with her.  I surmised that she said this to defuse the worry in her mind.  I expressed to her that I understood this and that everyone worries about how things will go when they are going to meet people… but little did she know, that what she said to me was a true gift.

Thank you for reading ~*~

Namaste

Janzee