POWERLESS

Suddenly, the lights went out.  We were scared.  I didn’t know what had happened.  My daughter, being six years old, was afraid of the dark.  The lights didn’t come back on like they do sometimes when they go out.  We waited and we waited, but nothing happened.  

My eyes got accustomed to the dark.  Everything was still and quiet.  My daughter was scared. I went to find candles. I got the lighter and I lit some candles.  I remembered the flashlight and my daughter ran to the door where we kept it because she remembered too. She almost knocked me over.

I went to find more candles and lit those.  She was scared and I was too.  I found the PG&E bill and called them.  I got an automated phone tree on my cell and pushed all the right buttons;  1 then 2 then 1 then 2 then 2 then 2. 

Finally, I had completed reporting the outage and they said that I was the first to report an outage in the area.  They kept asking on the automated line if there was a downed power line.  I went outside and looked at the neighbors houses.  Everyone else’s lights we ON!  Even the duplex neighbor!  I went in the garage and checked the breakers and nothing was off.  I looked at the wires coming from the power poles.  Nothing was down.

I waited on the phone and pushed the buttons which got me a real live person.  They said a technician was on the way and it had been reported.  I said I had a scared child and asked how long it would be.  The kind man in Sacramento said he didn’t know but hopefully soon.  He felt our fear.

While all this was happening… something else was happening, spiritually.

When the lights first went off I was making dinner.  I had a pizza in the toaster oven for my daughter and I was preparing my tacos; homemade bean dip, cut up broiled chicken, cheese, chopped organic tomatoes and sour cream.  My head was in the fridge.  Then all of a sudden the power went.

We got a real shock.  The fear gripped us.  I felt really powerless, that sinking feeling, like Oh NO!  It wasn’t only that the power went out; it felt like our light was taken away.  We were in complete darkness.  I am sure this made our pupils open.  I felt the void and so did my daughter.  The message came loud and strong: The power of light is not to be taken for granted.  

I spoke to my daughter about gratitude for the lights.  I spoke about the dinner not being made, because of the power outage.  I said we may have to go out to eat.  Everything I said seemed to scare my daughter more.  She was in a slight panic and fear had really gripped her.  I said to imagine the homeless people who didn’t have power or lights and were cold and in the dark.  This was all before I went to light the candles.  

When I lit the candles, I could feel her breath.  It really comforted her when the candle was lit.  then every candle I lit made her more at ease, even though she was still scared.  That’s when she ran for the flashlight.  To have light and the power to make light made her feel more OK than before.  To wield the light and have that flashlight made her feel not so out of control.

I knew something had happened that would be remedied, but I didn’t know when or what was the problem.  I had already checked the breakers and usually that fixes things.  I knew I had on 2 small space heaters in the back rooms [it has been freezing here], the new electric water jug and I had just put the pizza in the toaster oven.  The new electric water jug seemed to be taking quite a lot of power, but the breakers were not tripped.  

I called the neighbor, who is an 84 year old woman.  She said she was in her curlers. I was outside on my cell.  Just then, the PG&E truck pulled up and made a U turn to swoop park in front of the driveway.  I walked back, after waving the flashlight at the truck, to see the neighbor who was walking out of her house in her curlers to give us some emotional support.  She snuck me $5 for bringing in her newspapers [I help her with this] and some chocolates she didn’t want. [She is a very sweet old smoker]

The PG&E Tech went to the meters on the outside of the house and while we were in the garage looking at the breakers again, the lights came on!  He fixed it!  I went outside and saw that he had opened another little door inside the meter box where there were more breakers that I did not even know existed!  Those were the ones that had tripped.  He said they were down and he just reset them.  He also said sometimes they need to be reset because they can be half way down and can just go off by themselves.   

So, I learned a lot of things tonight, and so did my daughter.  

We learned that we must not take what we have for granted.  We learned true gratitude on a feeling fear based primal level.  We learned true compassion for the homeless.  We learned we can read by candle light if the power goes out [the internet, the TV and the kitchen were not usable].  We learned we have candles.  We learned that we didn’t die if the lights were out.  We learned to call for help.  We learned to call for friendship and in turn we would receive presents by being present and maintaining our presence.  We learned that even if everyone else has their lights on, ours can go out.  We learned autonomy, proactive reasoning and that we were not alone.  We learned community and interconnectedness.  We learned that not everyone is there for us when we need them [I called my mom, but she was at a party], but the ones who are there are the ones we need at the time. We learned that fear made us think of what to do next.  We learned that breathing when afraid lessened the grip of fear.  We learned that the dark is not so scary, but feeling powerless is.  We learned that surrendering doesn’t bring help; it brings right thinking, so we can ask for help.

I remembered the feeling of powerlessness.  I remembered what it feels like to feel alone and in the dark.  I remembered that I can light a candle and ask for help.  I remembered that I can receive help.  I remembered that help is always on the way. I remembered that help comes to those in need when they ask for it.  I remembered that reaching out really does pay off [in this case in money and chocolate].  And lastly but definitely not least, I remembered that I am not alone, that I have real love in my heart and that lessons felt are lessons remembered.  

Every candle that we lit, lit the room in its own way.  Everything I did and everywhere I moved, I had my little girl close by me.  

Someone really needs me.  I have real friends.  Help arrives. No problem is unsolvable. People really love me.  

I am really loved.  

I have things to learn.  It’s ok to receive help and it actually feels good to get it. 

Gratitude is a great healer.

~*~